Latin Quarter – Paris 1995

Latin Quarter - Paris 1995

When I was in Paris in 1995, I walked around the city. I shot each day for a week. I came upon this window and inside the store were these elements: Mirror, antique statue, bedpost, etc. and behind me was a building and a bike on the street. It spoke of the medium given my being upside down in the mirror. The black and white spoke of timelessness. The age and articulation of Europe as the origins of my soul, that I could apprehend catharsis itself in an image meant that I could stop. I have never shot a better image than this. It represents me, my eye, and aesthetic capacity. I hope to continue this journey when I eventually get to London, another city with windows in an urban environment.

Black Like Me

My position on the woman (Rachel Dolezal) who impersonates a Black woman and no one being the wiser proves a very important point. Apparently, there is no difference. Being Black is that narrow a margin of physicality and manners that it begs the question, is there a difference? I say there is no difference, and we have to support that position. When I see a Black person, I must say to myself, “There is no difference,” because this woman proves it to me. The difference is an illusion brought on by a desire to appear better than someone, who is truly Black out of an insecurity on the part of someone who is not Black in the midst of a delusion of economic and political scarcity, which is heniously employed by those who control our world. The dynamic of the powerful helping the weak is an inevitable outcome of time and consequences of hoarding. Monopolistic hoarding, AKA Capitalism, is unsustainable. Even in business, you have to cater to customer needs. What do we need more in society than equality? This is a spiritual demand. Democracy is life sustaining and vigorous, promissorial and delightful. Our future is paved with color blindness and an economy based on individual gifts and purpose. The Black woman is me. She is all of us. None of us see from outside in, but from inside out.

Recovery from narcissistic abuse, is slow and painful.

Originally posted on Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD:


Narcissists thrive only for themselves. They are completely self motivated, feel entitled to everything they want to do, have no compassion and no remorse. They lack empathy completely.

Narcissists and sociopaths, operate in similar ways.

They use you as prey.

They get close to you, build up your trust, mimic your emotions, take full advantage of your vulnerability, get you on your own, build a relationship where you begin to need them and depend on them.

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Tangle or Example?

Response to John King’s  “Plans for rising Mid-Market threaten to create aesthetic tangle” Monday, November 10, 2014 at:

I think the contrasts, eclectic styles, show the spirit of San Francisco.

San Francisco is not a particular style of architecture, if anything, it is where International architecture has a home, by example, and similar to the SFMOMA’s exemplification of various styles of modern art.

San Francisco is about modern and perhaps post modern art. While the touristy stuff shows Victorians, painted ladies, and so forth, what I see when I think of San Francisco is the contrast between the Transamerica Building and the Columbus Tower (Sentinel Building), Coit Tower, Hobart Building, 101 California Street, and 100 First Plaza, for example.

Also, San Francisco is the view of the city from a distance, the Golden Gate and Bay Bridge. There are China Towns, Russian Hill, Lombard Street, Union Square. It is a mini, less intense New York City. Of course that is changing. I heard recently that there are no poor people in San Francisco, which makes me think who cares what crap they are building there? I really have no reason to go there. I used to hang out in bookstores and cafes, visit museums, and walk around, eventually eating dinner, but now it is hard to find a bathroom and SFMOMA is closed for the time being.

The point I want to make is that Mr. King, you have proposed the same argument the dissenters gave when I.M. Pei proposed the Pyramid at the Louvre: “The construction of the pyramid triggered a considerable amount of controversy because many people felt that the futuristic edifice looked quite out of place in front of the Louvre Museum with its classical architecture.”

I am only seeing beauty in the examples you gave. Image 1 is elegant. The proposed Arquitectonica’s residential tower makes the structure before it outdated. When I think of San Francisco, I think of the sublimity of Madmen. While I don’t like the colors of the proposed structure at 1028 Market, (Image 3), it is no less drab than what is currently along Market. The 1125 Market proposal (Image 4) is delicious too, but very much like the architecture along Market, so I don’t understand the complaint. I think the color white is instrumental in what is needed here. There is a purity that is lacking on Market. It is currently dirty. It also seems to have become neglected. The poor are being kicked out. The drug dealers are taking over. Democracy is being replaced with monetary decisions and perhaps you are revealing the real complaint, which is that the designs, while cutting edge, are without substance to the real issues at hand.

The 1075 Market Street proposal seems like the other structures there. The glass structure proposed for 1028 Market is much more attractive even though it is gray than the pink and beige structure that is next to it. Perhaps this is another important point. We are witnessing change and how it occurs. With slight alterations of color and materials something new comes up out of the cement walkway. It isn’t really any different, just new, sharper, more edgy, almost invisible when you consider that it is reflective, transparent but with a monied origin. That’s all it is, another attempt to move toward the sky. This example trumps the argument for not wanting it. It is austere, robotic, truly reflective of the personality of the present, a dead series of square shapes, only slightly juxtaposed.

The proposed 950 Market complex is again softer than those buildings around it. It feels like it is moving more toward humanity. I am not seeing a threat to aesthetics, but rather a sensitivity to it.

When you say: “This 50-year-old card depicts the then lively section of Market Street that is today known as seedy mid-Market. To see it so alive and so colorful, full of flashing neon, makes one pine for the days when movie palaces really were like this and seeing a movie in one of them was an event,” I think to myself that you are looking back in time, a time when neon was the LED of choice. Apparently it isn’t efficient. Maybe San Francisco, architecturally speaking, is about change. You question the “art bar” and “movable metal curtain,” but then I see more softness, a lovely gold dress along the avenue.

The nine-story hotel designed by Stanton Architecture for 1055 Market Street is Madman sublime.

The fact that 1127 Market St. will reopen next year as a venue for the American Conservatory Theater is grand. Knowing that such performance spaces can make it is wonderful, but I also understand that underneath this reawakening is merely a front for the 1 percent and their starved or indulgent need for art. The arts have become a parasite, one of Maslow’s many needs for the few who can afford to satisfy them.

I do agree with you that, “1019 Market St. by George A. Applegarth is better than its squalid mid-Market surroundings deserve” and it should be restored to fit in with the differentiation proposed. The city needs to get back to its sense that it can house and support every type of person. It becomes increasingly like a city for the rich and thus its architecture is beautiful canvases enjoyed from the outside but with soulless intentions.

Sorry to say, but “973 Market, a seven-story loft structure from 1908…stands out not for any structural gyrations — no tilting prows or zippered silhouettes — but for the intricate and freshly cleaned tile work that covers the facade, a cloak of ornamentation at once flamboyant and prim” is a tired look.

Perhaps It Has Ended

I’ve been using Word Press for a few years, I think and while it has been a good place to put my work, it never really does anything. All of us, who have our “Readers” are reading the works of others in the choir. We are afraid or too lazy to make the rounds of submitting to reputable publishers, holding off for better, and at least for me, it may be time to move on.

I have started participating in a writer’s workshop, where I get all the feedback I care to get and the others who share their work speaks of the heights of the kind of work I care to read, which is the most important point:

What and from where do you read?

At least for me, I still buy books at the local bookstore. We still have them in Berkeley, where I bought the last one. Since someone stole my car however, I have been inclined not to carry Schmidt’s hardcover on The Story of the Novel, which is over 1000 pages in my backpack slung over my shoulder while I am on the racing bike climbing mountains to work. A Nook never sounded better since it takes an hour to get to work by road and public transport, besides I am a sweaty mess when I get there. If I were lugging the book around I would be even sweatier.

Still, the point is that I don’t read Word Press, less of course Flavorwire on occasion and I am sure this is the case for the rest of you. Sure, we place our likes like presumptuous pats on the back of our fellow writers, but how often do we actually read all the way through? Thank God people tend only to write a little or at least in serial, because who has the time?

The point again, is that I spend my time on books I have purchased. I go to a cafe and sit. I do not bring my computer.

Anyway, I am about done: 3,552 views and 194 comments later.

Ancient Road

I’ve stumbled upon you. You looking out over the water, and I asked you what you were looking at and you said Time. Every ripple, you said, represented a relationship with Time. A series of awarenesses went out across the distance. This was everything, you said. The light patter of knowing, feeling, and being. The sky was blue and the plants were green and everything in between had the mark of man. That interference reminded us of the mark we make, unless of course we are trapped in the emptiness that exists without us. I prefer to look, like you, across the water or “The Ancient Road” and see almost no evidence of our being. We almost never do as well as mother nature.

Does studying analytic philosophy help you form your opinions of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict? Do you think that this field of study …

Answer by Mario Savioni:

I think “analytic philosophy” specifically is not available to most members as a phenomena.  But, the idea of analyzing the conflict, in terms of its origin and our values might reveal a debate, likened to Chomsky’s that would allow for positions on the circumstances. Perhaps, like Chomsky, I believe that the arrival en masse of Israelis ultimately caused the conflict. This is not to say that I am against Israelis. I am not. I understand the horrible events that lead to this reconversion. But, it reminds me of the American Indians and the Colonists. Might should not make right.

In the end, the American Indian will have been vindicated and we will, if we survive as a species, have to integrate ourselves into the biosphere as non-destructive. The other value is that aggression rather than response is the less virtuous. I believe that the Palestinians are fighting for their lives, just as Israelis are causing their own problems.

I left Hawaii because I felt like I didn’t belong, out of respect for the Hawaiian people. I also understand that just as there is racial strife, there will always be racial strife because one’s natural inclinations or dominant traits lord over those who have to adapt or change their natural behaviors. One’s skin color, for example, is not something one can change readily and they shouldn’t have to, but it has been used as an element of differentiation. So, it is human nature to attack those who are perceived as a threat to our way of doing things.

I do not agree with you that, “Analytic philosophy” would get us on the same page, per se, but when we talk about our positions we may see that there are better arguments than others, that, “Cut to the heart of the issues,” schooling not-with-standing.

Does studying analytic philosophy help you form your opinions of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict? Do you think that this field of study …

Does every question have an answer(s)?

Answer by Mario Savioni:

Yes. I say this because language to communicate questions is dependent upon words, which both in terms of individual words and as phrases have connotations and denotations. Inherent in these elements is meaning. In meaning, we can derive answers because we are brought closer to context. An answer, for example is a conclusion. You never said the answer had to be correct. You implied that there could be many answers. This reminds me of Oliver Wendell Holmes arguing with his clerk every morning and winning every time. As men/women we are limited by language both to communicate and to understand. Language is the extent of our questions and answers. Our world is limited to our senses. Language communicates what we think and feel. Our imaginations, as Lakoff said, are contingent upon our bodies. Our answers may always be as we, as a species, think.

And if we rely on scientific answers, for example, it was Thomas S. Kuhn, who said in his book The Structure of Scientific Revolutions that, “Periods of…conceptual continuity in normal science were interrupted by periods of revolutionary science,” thus implying changes in understanding of the world. We may never have a correct answer, we may have an evolving understanding of our lives.

I am often fond of the best answer given our limited understanding. Sometimes things just seem correct in the minute, which is akin to catharsis derived from looking at art.

Does every question have an answer(s)?

“Where Color is Swallowed”

Color is Swallowed1

In a bakery in Berkeley constructing a personal zine, typewriter working, cutting board in front of me, colored pens, and a table with red and white tablecloth. Drawing pads for paper zines. There are reference books for zine making too, but the thoughts of creating are maudlin.

Evidenced further by the phone call from my sister saying the dentist will be coming to my mother’s nursing home within the hour, I tell my sister that I am in Berkeley beginning a zine.

It would be embarrassing for me to leave at this point, not to mention the ride back. The fact too that I doubt even with me there, she’ll allow them to inflict her with pain, although her teeth are abscessed. I know it makes no sense not taking more pain to get rid of the pain at hand. It’s 4:10PM.

I’ve been here for two hours. I felt guilty so I have already called back to say that I would try to make it. They haven’t called back. I realize they are doing me a favor. My sister wished they had known given incident-after-incident that she will not allow anyone to help her even for things that aren’t painful and even explaining that she hears you but then forgets what you said and what the doctor said. It circulates until you give up. The doctors have refused to run tests, etc. It was amazing that they were able to put screws in her hip when she had fallen and broken it. I am worried about her slow demise but I am also willing to abandon her potential need for me to attempt a zine on my day off.

I need to change the subject. There are 11 of us in the room. Some are cutting pictures from books, some are writing with pens, some are talking. One is drinking from a cup. One is drawing. One already constructed a zine, a book about the crazy on Seinfeld getting money. The crafter did it with stamp letters and apparently drew a perfect portrait of Kramer. Turns out it was a stamp. There are stamps too of skateboards, a stamp of Saturn, candies, date stamps for a day months ago. There is a compilation of a woman with a rifle and a line of children. This is Darsh’s first zine of the day.

A man comes into the bakery from the back door. He wants a cranberry bar. He is told the bakery is closed. He says he just wants a cranberry bar. He gets one and someone else wants one. The transactions are completed. The music is still playing. The singer is Waxahachie, a bit like Ani DiFranco, who I listened to while on the road to and from Seattle. Then the music stops. Isabel’s drawn a woman in a long dress with the sun behind her.

I am afraid to ask the others what they are doing in case I might disturb them. They mention someone older than most of them who is outside and it is asked if that person was invited. “No,” Isabel said, “I thought this wouldn’t interest her. This is something kids would do.”

I still have no idea how to construct a zine. I’ve done books, but I have this aversion to borrowing others’ images, photocopying them from books. My books have either been photo books or poetry books.

The woman in front of me constructs a hexaflexagon and gives it to me. I almost break it. There is a method for opening and closing it. She shows me. I still don’t get it. I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. Do you know what that feels like to be in a place where you don’t belong day-after-day? Even my passions are work. Things I love to do are so difficult that I end up becoming distracted with them, moving on to the next, never being very good at anything and always seeming to end on a sour note. Imagine everything ending on a sour note.

I fan through a Flash Art magazine issue. On the cover is a picture of Kai Althoff performing “Frausus.” The issue is May-June 2002, Vol. XXXIV.

I am getting the feeling that a girl, the hexaflexagon, is getting creeped out by me. I am just writing but she’s stopped being productive and looks over at me like I am a spy or that I am not doing what I am supposed to, but I am trapped here feeling that if I left now I would have been found out for not having anything to say. I am an observer. I do not participate. I do not make things. I just circulate in my mind in an unproductive state of maudlin feelings, about being frozen in my own time and no one else’s.

Can you imagine publishing these feelings of loneliness and of absolutely no relevance?

The typewriter keeps typing. Someone is making progress. There is a young girl about twenty with perfect posture, who works magically on a book sewing the pages with twine. She doesn’t think about me except as a favorable spirit. I don’t sense uncertainty from her, perhaps because she has a plan and carries it through. I heard somewhere, by an insane man, that if you judge others you remain suspended in space. You exact a curse against yourself. The young girl and her boyfriend are leaving. I guess because as he said, he doesn’t know how to draw and in the manner I might assert in a manner that implies it is a discipline.

Before me is a woman who slipped in the room and who I barely looked at for fear of intruding. She drops her blank-paged book in front of me and begins writing. She’s handsome and lean. She gets herself a pastry and continues writing. She is wearing a tank top and has hair under her arms. It appears she is taking the same methodological journey that I am. First, doing research that at least, for me, seemed overwhelming in the minute. The music is somber and melancholic, women’s voices like traveling along the highways and byways.

One of the primary coop-erators comes in and says: “Did she leave because she couldn’t handle the zine thing? It’s just writing your thoughts.”

I ask him, “Is that what it is?”

He shrugs like I am being critical, but you see he was validating me; why would I be critical?

I am thinking of continuing.

An older woman, who is what I am in terms of age, gets an explanation for the man, who may have thought I was being critical. She walks around in slow, careful steps trying to find her way in the quagmire of uncertainty, at least it is for me.

Isabel’s sister comes in and fairly quickly begins her typing.

The older woman has gotten a pastry. Don’t we always reward ourselves before we sit down to work?

Isabel says, “They show their boobs and then get a necklace.” I turn my head and look at her. The older woman takes a seat in an effort to learn what seems so foreign. She gives a sweet smile to Isabel, who says the book the older woman has is one of her favorites.

The music in the background is banjo and female singing. It is telling of a time and place. I am not putting anything together but negativity.

“I don’t know what I want to write about,” Isabel’s sister says.

I don’t know what I want to write about either.

One man plans to interview people about what they have in their pockets.

The older woman has since left. I assume because of the commitment. The man who is interested in pockets has returned from a dinner break. He is on his computer, I guess, drafting a document, perhaps for his zine. Then he is gone. I guess the commitment got to him too. He had a big next step, except that I later saw him toward the window talking to a girl on her computer, who didn’t seem to be participating. She was cute and he looked at me like I know why he might be asking her questions. She was attractive. Perhaps this was his way of being able to talk to her.

As I explained to Isabel’s mother and Grandmother about a book I was reading that the fetish is an object one can handle or worship that is enough distanced from the person infatuated. I was talking about Wilhelm Stekel’s book, Sexual Aberrations. Anyway, as I look toward him, his eyes meet mine and we are on opposite sides of the room and it seems to confirm what I was thinking, yet I would be curious to know what he was thinking, his motivations for talking to her. Of late, I have been trying to sit next to women in cafes or public places, who I want to talk to. Otherwise, there is simply no real way to strike up a conversation. When you are closer to them, you can find something to say, when something happens.

I look away from him trying to leave him to his privacy. It would be rude of me, or at least hypocritical since I am basically doing the same thing. I am looking for intimacy and love. I am looking for someone with whom I can go off into the world that I want, which is warm and deeply fulfilling. Instead, as I have indicated, I am lonely here and I feel so many others can see and feel that. It is a weakness that I inhabit.

I comment on the woman across from me, the lean one with hair under her arms. She seems to have prepared for her appearance. I am looking at her book full of ink drawings. It turns out she is re-engaging a project she abandoned. It is about a man she knows who is incorporating acorns in chocolate. I tell her she should use the finished product as a commercial for him and she raises her eyebrows but is silent, like that was the idea she had. She says a few words that confirm this and I contemplate the application as the drawing method of making advertising. I see the associative infomercials that employ a dry erase board and a man who talks while he draws, but of course the event was previously drawn and filmed. His voice is later dubbed because it is now sped up to keep people interested.

I want to tell the truth, but I am afraid of the implications. Maybe others feel this way. What do I want to say on a given day except to say how stressed I am and how I don’t think that I can last another year at my job. My separated shoulder hurts and I continuously wake when I am sleeping and I am never rested. I have canker sores in my mouth from where the dentist poked me when she was cleaning. My lip is sore, where I bit my lip a number of days ago.

The woman across from me says she is writing a comment about her friend who is using acorn flour in chocolate.

I make contact with Isabel, who is certainly running the show. She types while paying attention to her sister, who is talking and also typing, and who earlier said that she didn’t know what she wanted to write about. Isabel meets my eyes even before I have looked. There’s that telekinetic communication that seems especially perked between genders. She doesn’t’ condemn me, but smiles warmly.

The point I want to make is that I feel uncomfortable having barely a purpose, trying to push myself to complete the task at hand, which is about trying to listen to other peoples’ lives.

I don’t have one of my own.

One woman talks about her house being on the fault line to the other’s comment about houses that shimmy, this is the woman, who wonders about me.

Typing makes no statement unless read. By the conversation of Isabel’s sister, she appears to be onto something.

The one who wonders – Flexahexagon – is busy on a greater construct. Perhaps one that will describe her story, where every petal will prove flexible in making sense. I told her it would be like a Sylvia Plath poem, but I don’t think she heard me. She looked at me with glassy eyes.

“Does someone have the triangle stickers?”

Two are talking about a Portland trip, both for weddings, different weddings.

I end up talking to someone whose name I forget, a critical theorist, who thinks about permission in a sexual sense.

Isabel did zines with her mother, her grandmother sitting next to me said. Her grandmother is wearing a long-sleeved red blouse drawing with colored pencils and tape that she removes. Her picture is made of complex lines of orange, red, and green. Once she peeled the tape it took on a magical form.

Isabel’s mother is the daughter of the woman sitting next to me – Judy, who they call ‘Day.’

I talk to Isabel’s grandmother about divorce and children, who I don’t have. The music changes from a live pianist to more female voices. Isabel’s mother talks about having just helped her sister move.

One man eats his pizza, moving back and forth like a harmonica over his open mouth. The wondering woman is behind the bakery case in her glasses and sucking on her loopy pop looking over the scene. I guess, although I am not telekinetic, that she is seeing and feeling.

Isabel’s grandmother, a calligrapher for LA County, is making me feel better about myself.

When I asked if I could publish the picture I took of The Wonderer, she said no.

Meanwhile, it would appear that she’s right about us, we who have thoughts of our own, and maybe like me I need to get out of myself. Still, she represents a type of person, an enemy, someone who quashed my ability to tell the truth, apparently not, no matter how hideous.

What are we all here to say? Are we here to be critical of others, to see and quash the ugly truth in ourselves?

Judy/Day writes:

“Within the soft heart lies
Colorless thorns — blunt in perception:
Dull or pointed thru trees — clouds —
Where the air is thin where color is

The Hexaflexagon said she never finishes anything, where doing so was problematic. I watch her draw flowers and they seem complete, as you know anything drawn need not have a beginning or an end.

It is merely asking for permission when you assume the answer is no. – Mario Savioni